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Another milestone for the blog. I'm surprised that I have even made it to a hundred. My first post began with a little inspiration from Fable, who at that time, had blogged for over a year. I had wanted to blog all about the interesting things and issues that I think about while I'm driving to work every day in the morning. I don't know why, but I do seem to get lots of ideas in the car. I mean, there's absolutely nothing else to do when your mind switches to an auto mode when you drive along the same old route and stop at the same few traffic lights every morning. Yup, there's always lot of things I wanna blog about. But when I actually do have the time to blog, that is, after work and after gym, mostly at night right about this time (ie. after 10pm), my brains had become weary and all ideas and inspiration all gone down the drain. I just wanna go to sleep. So how to blog? Plus I don't wanna be sitting in front of the computer after staring at the screen the whole day at work!

Then there's the issue with the title of this blog. Keluar tajuk! Fable once commented that in spite of the title, apart from the rare confessions in the saunas, there's nothing particularly sinful about the remaining 90% of entries. This blog should be called For I Have (Not) Sinned. What to do? I don't particularly have an interesting sex life unlike a few bloggers who seem to have almost daily updates about their sexcapades! Wah... tak sakit/letih ke? But the point is, I'm just like everyone else, and in fact it is probably an understatement to say that I am less sinful than 95% of the world population. I think I'm probably even less sinful than most nuns and priests! Of the seven deadly sins, I probably have a bit of envy, and pride, and mostly because of the wrong kind of lust! Yeah, that's it. My ultimate sin, is that I'm gay, and that's just that. And that's the theme of the blog. Sinful because I'm gay.... but otherwise, I'm just like anyone of you, but very likely to be much less sinful in other aspects.

At a hundred, I'm wondering if I still have the zeal to continue on.... to survive another hundred perhaps? The frequency of my posts has dropped this year. In some ways, I'm running out of steam. I'm writing quite a lot of rubbish, and there's nothing particularly arty in the way I write. I'm not trying to score full marks for my karangan bentuk gambaran. You understand cukup lah. And I don't post pictures of myself because I don't camwhore as much as you-know-who, I haven't learnt how to use photoshop and I couldn't be bothered looking for pictures in the internet.

And yes, feedback and comments from readers can sometimes be an encouragement. But how do you get traffic? How do you connect with your readers? Sure, you get a couple of regular comments from the people you already know, but how do you attract readers from other places? I read in the papers recently about a particular blogger from East Malaysia, who had been elevated to the status of celebrity. So I decided to drop by his blog to see what the fuss is all about. WTF! How could anyone possibly get an average of 10,000 visits per day?! Each entry has on average 80 - 120 comments! I certainly don't want that kind of attention! I didn't find the kind of stuff that he blogged about particularly interesting at all. He just blogs about rubbish as well, just about everything under the sky, nothing special or outstanding in the way he writes. To me, just ordinary. I visited a few other "celebrity" blogs, but I thought they're just quite ordinary as well. In fact, I think a few fellow sinful blogs (in my blogroll) that I visit on a regular basis have even more interesting content and writing style!

So now what, so now what? Wanting, needing, waiting... For you to justify my love....

Ops! Sorry, keluar tajuk again. Hehe!

So now what? Hmm... maybe I should get laid more often and write about the sexperiences. More sinful ma! :D

Deeperanddeeper Went Higher and Higher

Last weekend, I was suckered into doing something I've never done before: rockclimbing! Apparently Graeme is in town with his gf, so it's the recommended thing to do by Jason. It is probably one of the most challenging and dangerous physical activity I have ever done .... in like over 15 years!

I almost wanted to back out but decided I needed the challenge and do something out of the ordinary. So off I went to Camp 5, 1 Utama. Should be tough, cos the only decent climbing I have ever done was to climb onto the back of a hot fuck.

Jason was already there, and so I signed in and paid RM36 for the shoe and harness rental. The shoes were supposed to be worn snug, and oh my, it hurt so much cos I didn't clip my toe nails! Had to take off the shoes every now and then. Argh! They should provide nail clippers at the gym!

Since I was the first to arrive, Jason got me all buckled up and ready to do my first warm-up wall climb with the auto-belay. The wall must be some 20 m high. I was advised to get used to the first few metres. After I got comfortable, I made my way up to the highest point. Surprisingly, it was easier than it looked. A few times I looked down to find a protrusion (whatever you call it) to place my foot, got dizzy and had to quickly close my eyes and look up again. Silly me! When I reached the top, I froze cos I was too scared that I will fall off and the auto-belay will not support me! It took me a while before I have the courage to remove my fingers from the bolt-on climbing holds and onto the rope. So down I came slowly with the help of the pulley system. Yay! Ben, also a first timer, arrived and joined in. I went for another climb on that wall before we proceeded to another wall with Jason as my belayer.

Well, there are many colours for the bolt-on climbing holds, which came in shapes of sea creatures. Jason encouraged me to choose only one colour to ascend, which makes it more challenging. So I decided to choose red. Phuh! It was really tough, but at least this wall is not as high as the first one. Before climbing, the climber must tell the belayer that he's "climbing". When the belayer is ready, he will reply to inform the climber to "climb on". On a few occasions I didn't step on the holds/protrusions, instead I stepped my foot on the wall surface itself (I can't remember the term used). Apparently only experienced climbers do that, or those who are desperately trying to find a foothold. I guess I was desperate in some ways! Jason would yell out "Left foot on the octopus" to guide me. I was like "whatever la". Imagine trying to look for an octopus-shaped protrusion at 15 m in the air!! After resting a while, I climbed a slightly backward reclining wall, which proved to be a bit more difficult because of the slight overhanging.

Our visitor of honour, Graeme and Camelia finally came and so it was their turn to climb. Graeme being Graeme, was impatient with the harness and knots. So funny! He was practically pulling it everywhere! Surprisingly, Camelia climbed up the wall so easily like spiderwoman. Jason explained that girls and children are better (and more skilful) climbers than men. Hmmm... no wonder it wasn't as hard for me as I thought! Keke!

My final climb was on the wall with a 1-foot overhang at the top. So susah when I reached the overhang. Totally no energy liao to be hanging on the overhang and climb over and above it. So what to do, I asked for "rope tight" or whatever you call it. Nigel, who was belaying me on this climb, tightened the rope. So I cheated and rested my weight partially. Hehe! Almost gave up and not wanting to climb around the overhang, but the people below were giving me encouragement for the last 3 metres. Finally, made it, and I insisted photos to be taken. (Unfortunately I haven't got any pics from their cameras yet)

It wasn't easy. Ben and Graeme bled as they scraped against the rough wall. I was proud I came and took the challenge. I think after this outing, I really needed to make the effort to do a lot more variety of activities, rather than just doing the same Jam/Step classes or hanging out in the gym, or staying at home. There's lots to do out there, and I've been missing them cos I was either lazy, or scared, or couldn't be bothered.

This is post #99, btw....

Madonna's Album Cover

Well I'm a big Madge's fan and I am proud to say I have ALL Madge's albums:


From left to right:
Top row: Madonna (1983), Like A Virgin (1984), True Blue (1986), You Can Dance (1987), Who's That Girl (1987)
2nd row: Like A Prayer (1989), I'm Breathless (1990), The Immaculate Collection (1990), Erotica (1992), Bedtime Stories (1994)
3rd row: Something to Remember (1995), Evita (1996), Ray of Light (1998), Music (2000), GHV2 (2001)
4th row: American Life (2003), Remixed and Revisited LP (2004), Confessions On A Dancefloor (2005), Hard Candy (2008)

My favourite album cover art: Ray of Light

My favourite studio album: Like A Prayer - Loved all songs in it! Not a single weak song.

Trivia: If you noticed, her album covers has always depicted her left side of her face more prominently than her right. Except for direct front face shots in YCD and WTG, and a back shot in COADF, her face is almost always facing the left side on all the rest!

Anyone who cared at all, I'd like to hear you confess which is your favourite album cover art and favourite studio album (ie. non-compilations). :-)

Has To Be

Breathe in, breathe out
I say a little prayer
How the gods above
Could be so unfair

I know there's someone out there
Waiting for me
There must be someone out there
There just has to be

Go on, go on
Dont sit there like a fool
You've graduated from
A different kind of school

I should be glad that Im alive
It could have been much worse
I might have never loved at all
And never known what I am worth

How the gods above
Could be so unfair

A Little Kindness

After so many encounters with rude people, at last, I am now hopeful that there really are kind courteous people out there.

While I was circling around the basement car park in Midvalley trying to find a parking lot, I drove past a middle aged Malay man and his school-aged son who were walking towards their car. Sensing I was quite desperate for a space to park, the man and his son pointed to their car, which was unfortunately on the other side of the aisle.

I couldn't make the nearest turn to the aisle as it was blocked by other cars, and so I had make a big round on the other opposite side. I knew I was sure going to lose that spot because I was now on two aisles away and there were other drivers looking for a spot as well. But two minutes later when I finally return to the aisle where the man's car was parked, I was pleasantly surprised that the man and his son were actually standing around waiting for me!

They waved for me to come forward and waited for me to arrive close enough before they got into their car.

How nice of them isn't it? Especially when they don't even know me personally. I felt really touched and warm after that. What a difference a little kindness can do...

Four Dimensions of Gay Men

Long before the gang characterized the man of their dreams into Types A, B and C, and outlined useful tips in their Fridae Guide, the gang has, over numerous dinner sessions, developed the gay equivalent of the Myers-Briggs Personality Typing. It focuses on personalities and roles of men in relationships, whether sexual or non-sexual.

The gang has identified that the following pairs of dimensions are present to some degree in all gay men. It is important to note that the living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects. Hence for this purpose, just like the Myers-Briggs Personality Typing, it is the extremes that are described here.


Active (A) – Passive (P)

Active people make the first move, whether it is sending hearts or messages in web personals, or chatting up the new hot dude in the gym, or pursuing and caressing their hot catch in saunas. In relationships, they initiate activities together and is often the ones who make the effort to get things going and done. Active people are usually outgoing and extroverted.

In contrast, passive people have the “wait and see” attitude, while the whole world passes them by. They observe hot dudes from afar, wishing and fantasizing, but nothing more than that. They wait for other people to make the first move. There is very little initiative. Passive people are usually shy, introverted or have low self-esteem.

In relationships, the ideal pair would be two As or one A and the other P. While it is possible to have two Ps in a pair, they are probably a boring couple. In addition, how do you expect two Ps to hook up if both are waiting for the other to make the first move?


Dominant (D) – Submissive (S)

The dominant person is someone who dominates a conversation or relationship. He makes all decisions for the other party, and is seen by others as the leader (or sometimes in a negative sense, they can be seen as an imposing character).

The submissive person has the “whatever” attitude, usually succumbs to peer pressure and submits to the demands of other more dominant people.

In the bedroom, the dominant person takes the lead and drives the direction of the lovemaking. The submissive person prefers to be told what to do. In more extreme cases like in S&M, the dominant person is like the master, while the submissive person equals the slave.

The D-S dimension, which characterizes the equality (or rather a lack of it) in a relationship between two people, should not be confused with the A-P dimension, which deals with initiative.


Top (T) – Bottom (B)

Well, every gay man is most familiar with the third dimension. In the dark corridors of saunas, as a prelude to any further bodily exploration, gay men whispered in each other’s ear to seek the final clarification before proceeding any further: “U top or bottom?” If you’re into online chats, or have a profile on personals websites, it is always expected of you to identify yourself as either top, bottom or versatile.

Again, like the other dimensions, gay men are characterized anywhere between the two extremes of the T-B dimension as it must be emphasized yet again the continuity of gradations between exclusively top and exclusively bottom. If you are ‘versatile’, think of which roles you most often enjoy. If you’re one of those who consider themselves as ‘neither’ (ie. if you proclaim you don’t do anal), imagine how you might like to be serviced.

Like it or not, there is a rather simplistic notion prevailing among gay men that two tops or two bottoms cannot have a meaningful or satisfying relationship or sex together (well, there’s always the two headed dildos for the two bottoms!). In addition, many gay men are most likely to screen their potential mates using this T-B characteristic in the early stages of their meeting or communication. Hence, you are most likely to benefit from knowing your role if you are to have any chance of success later. Based on the above, it is safe to conclude in general terms that two Ts and two Bs have a lower chance of success (open relationships and sexless relationships precluded) although there are few exceptions to these.


Generous (G) – Selfish (F)

Generosity of a person can be ascertained by way of how much one gives to the other person, in sexual and non-sexual terms. In sexual terms, a selfish person only expects to be serviced and not the other way round. They lie down like a log and let their partner do all the work.

In non-sexual terms, the selfish person only thinks for himself, and is usually stingy (monetary terms).

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Have you ascertained which type are you? Are you type PSTF? ADBG? ASBG?

These classifications have many uses and can often be used to explain, for example, why you still haven’t found the right man for yourself, or why things haven’t quite worked out for you with your man. It is likely due to personality/role clash. For example, how do you realistically make a relationship work if both you and your man are of type PSBF? In this case, both are passive, submissive, bottom (oh no!) and selfish? If this is so, it is time to review the future of the relationship now before anyone gets hurt.

The four dimensions has been adopted in our daily lives to explain why certain relationships did not work out or simply to assess suitability of potential dates. Some of the examples of how the four dimensions is used:

• "I don’t think it’ll work out between us. We’re both SB."
• "He looks shy. He’s probably waiting for you to make the first move la. Go la, you’re the active type ma."
• "You’re such a contradiction! Passive, submissive but top! Difficult to find a suitable mate la."
• "I think he’s too dominant for me. I don’t like to be told what to do."

Putting Things Into Perspective #1

A close friend recently watched Oprah's interview with Miley Cyrus, and immediately texted me this message:

"At age 8, she knew she wanted to be a singer/actress. At 3X, we dunno wat to eat for dinner..."