Almost Saved

For so many years, I have had countless lectures about how I needed to be saved (the Christian way, of course), by my evangelistic friends, friends of friends, classmates, teachers, relatives, workmates, and even strangers on the street (while I was waiting for a bus!). That constant preaching....

For years, I had attended church services to explore, but Christianity just doesn't seem right for me. It doesn't make sense. (But they will tell you it doesn't have to make any sense. Just have faith!)

There was a time in 1999. I was a young graduate then, at my desk doing my own work. A lady, my boss's friend, was just standing a few feet away from me. She was waiting for my boss who was engaged on the phone.

From the corner of my eyes, I noticed her staring at me. Then she finally opened her mouth to find out what I normally do on weekends and on weeknights.

"Nothing much," I replied. "Why?"

I looked up. The look on her face told me I was such a pitiful soul. I needed to be saved.

"Then you should come to church. Join us, this Sunday?" She cleared her throat.

Her words and her facial expression were akin to the straw that broke the camel's back.

And just like that, instead of being saved the Christian way, I chose to keep my distance.

Enough for now.

Behind Time

I don't have many friends (colleagues and ex-colleagues excluded), but I find it interesting that more than an estimated 90% of them are younger than I am. And even so, the few who are older than I, are gym mates from step classes I attend.

I am rarely drawn to older people. I just don't know what to say to them. I find that older people tend to want to talk about serious stuff such as career, money, status, investment... sorry, maybe it's just my perception...

But as I grow older, the age group of my friends are still in the twenties! It's puzzling (and sometimes it worries me) that I'm just too at ease mixing and talking with people who are more than 10 years younger than I am. It's almost like I never grew up! The things I say, the way I behave ... so kiddie, immature!

Well, I've been a late bloomer. I was still a child at twenty, and I still lacked the self-awareness of a young adult in my late twenties. And right now, although already in my mid-thirties, I feel that in many aspects, I haven't quite reached the maturity of a 25 year old.

When I look at my friends and the younger generation (from facebook lah! where else?), I feel that I am so behind time, and sometimes, it appears that these people in their early 20s have even overtook me! So many of them knew exactly what they wanted and have pursued their dreams ... some even achieving them. Guys as young as 15 already had sex, and even have had relationships! At 15, I still wasn't convinced that the penis has other functions apart from urinating!

I wished I had matured at a much younger age ... wished I had a headstart like them in all aspects of life experiences.

If I had reached a higher level of self awareness by my early 20s, I would have gotten a headstart in knowing and chasing my dreams, career, talent ... or at least have developed the necessary skills to survive this man-eat-man world.

If I have had sex by 15, I would have 20 years of experience of sexual pleasure by now! :p

But now, even if I am mentally and emotionally prepared, my body is already slowing down. At this age, I don't have the energy of a 20 year old. Like Eva Peron lamented in the musical Evita: "What is the good of the strongest heart ... in a body that's falling apart?"

A case of mental and physical mismatch!

The Prostitute

Once upon a time, many many years ago, on starry April night, Mrs. Philippe and I went out ...

[Post Exported]

Podium Comeback

Dressed up again in my fabulous Daniel Henry's KYLIE t-shirt, I made my second appearance at Marketplace Saturday nite with Jaslene, Tricia and Sook Fun. The dancefloor was empty when we arrived, so we were too shy to dance, but within 30 minutes it was packed! Can only jump up and down on the same spot! We stood too near the front bit of the dancefloor and the white smoky spray almost made us all suffocate. OMG! They kept spraying it.... that's when I said enough is enough! I emerged from the white mist and rose on the high podium (drama! drama!), scanned the dancefloor for a moment before proceeding with my performance! Yes, the former Liquid podium diva has made a comeback! Yeah! It feels good to be back on stage.... OMG! It's been 5 years since I stepped on stage!

Spotted Daniel Henry, Geri and Les, and also got to meet with Jaslene's "brothers", Jin and Queerrant. No one else from the brotherhood went that nite, but got intro to a few of the brothers: Apollo D, Bunny and Cheryl (she's not exactly a brother la) on New Year's Day at Midvalley with Faye.

Happy New Year!

The Significance of Jalan Hicks

Jalan Hicks (now called Changkat Bukit Bintang - Changkat Raja Chulan) had always been a special road for me. When I was a little boy, my mom and I used to visit my elder sister who rented a room in Jalan Hicks. The house was a corner lot, a block away from Frangipanni. Back then, the area was predominantly residential, and further up closer to Jalan Bukit Bintang, the area was a notoriously sinful red-light district. Jalan Alor was as busy back then as it was now.

It took another twenty years before I would visit Jalan Hicks again. Fable, officially my first gay friend, lived in an apartment just a stone throw away from where my sister used to live. I used to drop by almost every other Saturday nite when we would get ready our dancing shoes and later sinfully transform ourselves into podium queens in the then Liquid. There was once a sinful camwhoring session too, but at that time, blogs and flickr were non-existent yet. And that was way before his apartment unit was transformed into sort of a mini zoo with colonies of hamsters, a tortoise, a rabbit and fishes. But now, after more than 7 years of friendship and fairly regular visits to the area, Fable has quite abruptly moved on, not to live in another part of the city, but back to his home town. I just can't believe it was just so sudden. Even though it's just an hour and a half away it just felt FAR.

I guess, for the time being, I won't be visiting Jalan Hicks anymore.

Fable:
All the best and happiness in this next phase of your life. Take good care of yourself, and visit us in KL regularly. Don't be malas, or we'll come down to Seremban and create havoc there! Haha!

Blond Ambition

Today is Madonna's birthday. Her 50th! And also, this year marks her 25th year as a performing artiste.

When I was little, I hardly listened to music, and it was my chi muis in school who introduced Madonna's music to me in 1990. At that time, Justify My Love was just released, and I remembered all three of us gay boys were actually singing the song out loud (not too loud la, but loud enough for the boys sitting in the next 3 chairs away to hear it) while waiting for our teacher to come into the class. Over betul! Tak tau malu singing such a controversial song in class!

At that time, I was beginning to love her music, her creative and sometimes controversial videos, her antics, her strength... yes, she's our idol and source of inspiration. There's always something different, provocative and creative everytime she dishes out new music or videos. And of course, she simply won me over in her legendary Blond Ambition tour, which I got to watch on a taped laser disc version her Japan set.

Here are selected performances from Youtube:
(1) Opening: Express Yourself


(2) Like A Virgin
With a Middle Eastern sound. She was almost arrested in Canada for performing this piece. Watch her masturbate towards the end of the song!


(3) Vogue
Watch her perform the original Vogue choreography in its entirety! Amazing!!


(4) Live to Tell/Oh Father
Did she just give the Father a wank?


(5) Material Girl
A hilarious housewifey take on the song.


Well, there have been many articles recently comparing her with Michael Jackson (who also turns 50 this month!).... about who is on top, and comparing their fortunes at this point in time.
Read them here and here.

I guess while MJ is probably seen as the most talented musician and performer in history, there's no doubt, who's the smarter one and the one in control of her destiny. Despite her "trashy/sex" image she once portrayed, Madonna is still the one to set the best example among the music artistes. In her entire career, she's never done drugs (remember Whitney and just about everybody else), no emotional breakdown (remember Mariah?), no weird behaviours (Britney, Amy Winehouse, Jacko), no traffic offences like drink driving ... and she;'s laughing away to the bank. Now who says Madonna is a bad influence???

戀一世的愛 Revisited

OK OK... I've just worked 13 hours straight from 8 am this morning! The next few days gonna be like this too, and by Monday, I'll be flying to some god-forsaken place in Jawa and remain miserable there for the next 2 weeks! Please help me!!!!

Hmmm... I wonder I can blog there...

***************************

I heard this song "Once in a Lifetime" by Gregorian, a German band, on radio today. The song was released in 1991. It is exactly the same song covered by Shirley Kwan back then. Listening to the tune once again essentially transported me back to that time when I was in college....

No video for the Gregorian version, but there's one for Shirley's version. Check them out!

"Once in a Lifetime" by Gregorian (Music only)



戀一世的愛 by 關淑怡



WHich versions do you prefer?? I still prefer 戀一世的愛. Maybe it's because I heard it first. And I thought her voice is better for the song.

1 0 0

Another milestone for the blog. I'm surprised that I have even made it to a hundred. My first post began with a little inspiration from Fable, who at that time, had blogged for over a year. I had wanted to blog all about the interesting things and issues that I think about while I'm driving to work every day in the morning. I don't know why, but I do seem to get lots of ideas in the car. I mean, there's absolutely nothing else to do when your mind switches to an auto mode when you drive along the same old route and stop at the same few traffic lights every morning. Yup, there's always lot of things I wanna blog about. But when I actually do have the time to blog, that is, after work and after gym, mostly at night right about this time (ie. after 10pm), my brains had become weary and all ideas and inspiration all gone down the drain. I just wanna go to sleep. So how to blog? Plus I don't wanna be sitting in front of the computer after staring at the screen the whole day at work!

Then there's the issue with the title of this blog. Keluar tajuk! Fable once commented that in spite of the title, apart from the rare confessions in the saunas, there's nothing particularly sinful about the remaining 90% of entries. This blog should be called For I Have (Not) Sinned. What to do? I don't particularly have an interesting sex life unlike a few bloggers who seem to have almost daily updates about their sexcapades! Wah... tak sakit/letih ke? But the point is, I'm just like everyone else, and in fact it is probably an understatement to say that I am less sinful than 95% of the world population. I think I'm probably even less sinful than most nuns and priests! Of the seven deadly sins, I probably have a bit of envy, and pride, and mostly because of the wrong kind of lust! Yeah, that's it. My ultimate sin, is that I'm gay, and that's just that. And that's the theme of the blog. Sinful because I'm gay.... but otherwise, I'm just like anyone of you, but very likely to be much less sinful in other aspects.

At a hundred, I'm wondering if I still have the zeal to continue on.... to survive another hundred perhaps? The frequency of my posts has dropped this year. In some ways, I'm running out of steam. I'm writing quite a lot of rubbish, and there's nothing particularly arty in the way I write. I'm not trying to score full marks for my karangan bentuk gambaran. You understand cukup lah. And I don't post pictures of myself because I don't camwhore as much as you-know-who, I haven't learnt how to use photoshop and I couldn't be bothered looking for pictures in the internet.

And yes, feedback and comments from readers can sometimes be an encouragement. But how do you get traffic? How do you connect with your readers? Sure, you get a couple of regular comments from the people you already know, but how do you attract readers from other places? I read in the papers recently about a particular blogger from East Malaysia, who had been elevated to the status of celebrity. So I decided to drop by his blog to see what the fuss is all about. WTF! How could anyone possibly get an average of 10,000 visits per day?! Each entry has on average 80 - 120 comments! I certainly don't want that kind of attention! I didn't find the kind of stuff that he blogged about particularly interesting at all. He just blogs about rubbish as well, just about everything under the sky, nothing special or outstanding in the way he writes. To me, just ordinary. I visited a few other "celebrity" blogs, but I thought they're just quite ordinary as well. In fact, I think a few fellow sinful blogs (in my blogroll) that I visit on a regular basis have even more interesting content and writing style!

So now what, so now what? Wanting, needing, waiting... For you to justify my love....

Ops! Sorry, keluar tajuk again. Hehe!

So now what? Hmm... maybe I should get laid more often and write about the sexperiences. More sinful ma! :D

Madonna's Album Cover

Well I'm a big Madge's fan and I am proud to say I have ALL Madge's albums:


From left to right:
Top row: Madonna (1983), Like A Virgin (1984), True Blue (1986), You Can Dance (1987), Who's That Girl (1987)
2nd row: Like A Prayer (1989), I'm Breathless (1990), The Immaculate Collection (1990), Erotica (1992), Bedtime Stories (1994)
3rd row: Something to Remember (1995), Evita (1996), Ray of Light (1998), Music (2000), GHV2 (2001)
4th row: American Life (2003), Remixed and Revisited LP (2004), Confessions On A Dancefloor (2005), Hard Candy (2008)

My favourite album cover art: Ray of Light

My favourite studio album: Like A Prayer - Loved all songs in it! Not a single weak song.

Trivia: If you noticed, her album covers has always depicted her left side of her face more prominently than her right. Except for direct front face shots in YCD and WTG, and a back shot in COADF, her face is almost always facing the left side on all the rest!

Anyone who cared at all, I'd like to hear you confess which is your favourite album cover art and favourite studio album (ie. non-compilations). :-)

One Year On...

... and hopefully more sinful blog entries to come!

Meanwhile, in line with the theme of this blog, enjoy what I thought was the gayest-themed concert ever. After recovering from her cancer, Kylie resumed her Showgirl tour (homecoming) in Dec 2006 with the dancers dressed up like in a Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras. And the male dancers were extremely hot and sexy! (Sweat!)



The guys are hot hot hot ... dressed only in swim trunks that accentuate their bulges. In between Red Blooded Woman and Slow, Kylie went up the platform and "zapped" the guys, before the guys shook/vibrated their hips. Yum!

Boys From My Alma Mater

I have always wondered what has happened to the boys I fancied way back in school.

Have they gotten married and have kids of their own? How do they look like now? Are they still as attractive as I've remembered them during those teenage years? Have they put on weight like most married men do? Or have they grown even more attractive than before?

I haven't kept in touch with any of them since we left school. Gay boys and straight boys rarely have anything in common to keep friendships going on after school. And after so many years residing in this city, despite my frequent loitering in malls, gyms etc, I've never bumped into any of them.

But if I did, what would I say to them??? Especially, if they asked about my marital status (this is one question you could never get away with!)?

Will I go straight to the point and declare my wayward sexuality?
"Haha, aiyo, not obvious meh that I'm gay? I've always liked you in school! That's why I always sit next to you whenever I can so that I can be close to you".

Or shall I just use the standard reply and downplay that I'm just not yet attached to the right girl?
"No, I haven't found the right girl yet. You know, gotta work hard for money first."

And if they still look yummilicious, would I shamelessly flirt with them?
"Hey, you still look dashing! Which gym do you work out? Maybe we could work out together, you know... " (pinching his hard biceps and touching his chiseled pecs.)

You see, I was such an innocent nerd back in school. Apart from just fancying the boys quietly from afar, I've never really done anything naughty or substantial, unlike my other more legendary/daring peers. There were just so much drama and scandal with the straight boys (yeah, it was an all-boys school, but even though there were girls from the other schools, there were enough scandals within!!). Now it's a lost opportunity for me, and in some sense, I regretted for not having enough fun back then. I should have played a bigger role in those scandals!!

Will it be too much if I say:
"Darling, mmm... mmm.... you still looked so handsome." (Raising my hand to caress his face) Or
"My my, I really miss looking at that bulge down there...." (Staring at his bulge and licking my lips)

Hmm, what would I do?