Isolation

I've never had a valentine.  So not only am I uncelebratable, I'm unlovable.  

Friends and relatives had previously enquired why I'm single, but I said it's because nobody wants me. No, they disagreed, you're just choosy.  As if they know more about my situation than I do.  

I'm quite introverted, yes. Hence I don't have many friends.  I sometimes feel awkward in social settings.  But I'm not a social outcast. I can be friendly, funny at times ... I'm considerate "OK" person, and overall I'd like to think I'm average, character-wise.

I'm not handsome nor charming, but I'm not fucking ugly either.  I have an "OK" body and dressed up fairly decent .... clean and tidy ... I am average-looking.

I'm not talented, but many people aren't either.  

I have watched people who are far more flawed, appearance-wise and character-wise ... those with shorter tempers, messier lives, and downright heartless.  Yet they still attract people. Despite their flaws, they still find companionship; they love and are loved in return.

I also know of a few friends, who are a lot more introverted than me, quiet, hardly proactive, yet attract many friends and chasers effortlessly.

I don't think my singledom has anything to do with my appearance or my character. 

If it's not really about my looks or character, then what could it be?  

Over the last few years, I've begun to notice a pattern: whenever I arrived early to a social setting and seated myself —be it in a hall or a communal table— people (strangers and acquaintances) will sit anywhere and everywhere—as long as it isn't next to me.  Packed everywhere, empty seats around me. Every. Single. Time.

I am now convinced that I naturally radiate a "repelling" energy.  No wonder I'm still single.  Well, some of us are just designed for a lifetime of our own company — uncelebratable and unlovable. Almost a life in isolation.

Birthday

Every few days, a certain Facebook 'friend' pops up on my feed, radiant with a different group of friends and different birthday cake/meals. I’ve watched him celebrate his January birthday well into February, transitioning seamlessly from pre-parties in early January to belated dinners this month.

I can’t help but wonder: where does he find these "friends"? Is he truly that popular, or is he just better at collecting social circles?  I know of several people like this—people whose birthday isn't a date, but a weeks and months.

Meanwhile, my own annual milestones mostly pass without significance — one dinner gathering perhaps.  Except for that ONE time when my colleague gathered a few others and surprised me with a 50th pre-birthday lunch, a cake and cute props which I was forced to take photos with in the crowded restaurant. 

Earlier in facing my 50th, I had planned a solo trip away. I fled to the Maldives alone, hiding away from the reality that no one else would be celebrating a 'Big 50' for/with me.  The day itself was just a few WhatsApp pings—no calls, no fanfare, as usual. But the hospitality of strangers filled the gap.  The hotel staff brought out a cake and sang for me at dinner. When I returned to my room, I found simple decor on the bed, a bottle of wine, and a fruit basket. I had to travel thousands of miles and pay for a luxury resort to receive a celebratory gesture. 

Watching that Facebook friend bask in two months of adoration makes me wonder if there is some invisible social currency I’m missing— Is there something inherently uncelebratable about me?  

 ... to be continued ...

El Nino

I extended my foot out and lightly touch his toe with mine... that familiar signal I had learnt all these years.  He did not move his foot away.  My toes continued to rub against his, and out of the corner of my eye, I noticed he had removed his towel, touching himself.  Sweat glistened on his forehead, little beads forming on along the fringe of his short hair trickling down his cute young face, dripping down his bulging chest and his ripped abs.  Quickly confirming no one was heading our way, I wasted no time going down on him.  He gave out a soft moan, then stood up - all six-foot plus tall - hot, gym-fit body like a model, and whispered "come, let's go the showers".  He wrapped his towel and made his way out of the sauna.  I waited like for 2 seconds and followed him into a stall.

It is unusual of me to be the one to make the first move. I was always passive ... shy ... never been brave enough ... but no, I wasn't gonna let this opportunity slip away.  Yes, I've not gotten laid for so long, and in the heat of the moment, I put away all my fears and insecurities. Or was it mid-life desperation?  Aside from his hot stunning physique, he was gentle, polite and probably the best catch I've ever had.  

Soon, when the intimacy was all over, and as the showers washed away the seeds of passion, my insecurities and shyness made a return. I hurriedly left the stall without saying another word.... regrettably.  And all I have now was the sweet memory of El Nino.  :-(          

Direct Expression of Interest

Why does it seem so much easier to approach someone or ask someone out for fun/sex than for a date with a motive of establishing a relationship?

It doesn't matter what situations you are in, whether it's Fridae or Grindr or Facebook, saunas or even friend of a friend that you're interested in, it's always easy to get straight to the point if you just wanna have fun. You just say "I wanna hug you." or "Come over for fun?" or simply "Top or bottom?"

But if you really like that person, you tend to hesitate a bit, and beat around the bush discussing gym routines, travel plans, employment status, out status etc etc... the list goes on.... but never the direct expression of interest.

Why is it so hard (for me) to just say, "Hey, we've met before and I like you. I'm single, and I know you are available too. I would love to go out on a date with you ... to get to know you better."

How many of you really do go straight to the point?

Singledom

When I visited my parents, I rarely hang around outside of the house long enough to meet the neighbours. And when I do, I rarely keep eye contact with them, much less greet them. Most of them moved in after I left the house more than 15 years ago, and I never really knew them that well.

But on one fine evening, while I was about to get into my car, the missus next door was on her way into her house and our eyes met. After all these years, I decided to be polite, and flashed her a smile.

She seized the opportunity of a lifetime, and managed to ask me what seemed to be the world's most important question to her. A question she's been dying to ask me all these years: "Wah! Are you still not married? Time to get married lo."

Luckily for her, I was already partially inside the car and drove off without a second glance back at her. Patient... I told myself.

Last year, a friend's mother sent me an sms wishing me Kong Hei Fatt Choy: "Tot want to visit u and ask u if you got any special girl yet? Am I busybody? Tot want to introduce a fren to u. Is it ok?"

I texted her a strongly worded reply (I forgot the exact words - but it was blunt). Nonetheless she still couldn't help it but wanted to have her last word "Aunty wont disturb you again. Wish you all the best and hope when u find the right girl u remember 2 invite me ok?"

Everywhere I visited during the course of my work trips, people often ask ask me this "are you married?" question. Is marital status a critical measure of one's success and happiness?

Now, where is my knight in shining armour to save this poor unmarried soul?

A Nobody

It has been almost 2 months since my last post about making that extra effort to go after the man of my dreams, but I was really super-duper busy since then. But I was glad that my post somewhat served as an inspiration for a particular farmer (keke!). The farmer had claimed that he was somewhat dry for a looooong time, but got superactive and dominant quite recently. The results of his efforts paid off as reportedly he got laid big time. :p

As for me, in between my hectic and demanding work schedule, I managed to upload a few nicer photos of myself (photos courtesy of my wonderful photographer sister Tricia), and updated my profiles in the hope that there would be an increase in hits, hearts, messages, friend requests, whatever you call it etc. On my part, I had also made some effort on my part to be proactive in sending hearts, a couple of messages and adding friends etc.

But initial results were disappointing. My updated profile and best photos went unnoticed, no new hearts or messages, no new friend requests, and my requests for FB friends went unapproved. People who approves and adds friends indifferently even refused to approve my request! If people are not even clicking on my profile as a first step, there will not be any further steps or hopes.

And it really has nothing to do with personality or mannerism or habits or looks.

I pondered on my dear friend Mrs. Philippe's comment on my last post:

"sometimes fate plays a big part too. some can be making the greatest efforts & yet yielding little results, some the other way round."

I can't help but wonder if in my past life (if there was one), I had been a swinger or I was a certain attractive popular guy who was full of himself and hurt people and took advantage of people. So now in this life, I am made to suffer as a nobody. Karma.

Open Your Heart

Certain people could not stand being single and alone. They need to always be in a relationship. So the moment they got over the previous relationship, they start to search for the next one by a certain target date or time frame. It's basically "hunting time".

For me, I've never invested much time in looking for the right guy. In fact, I hardly make any effort! Always passive... Which is no surprise why I've remained single all this time. I mean, I'm not gorgeous, and I don't have that charming persona to attract people to me. Hence, by default, I never get noticed. I need to work extra hard and take on a more active role if I really want to find that guy of my dreams. It means being thick skin and have no fear of rejection.

So I really want to set a target here to make that extra effort. And I have that right song to dedicate to those guys out there to look my way.

Watch Out!

I see you on the street and you walk on by
You make me wanna hang my head down and cry
If you gave me half a chance you'd see
My desire burning inside of me
But you choose to look the other way
I've had to work much harder than this
For something I want don't try to resist me

[Chorus:]
Open your heart to me, baby
I hold the lock and you hold the key
Open your heart to me, darlin'
I'll give you love if you, you turn the key

I think that you're afraid to look in my eyes
You look a little sad boy, I wonder why
I follow you around but you can't see
You're too wrapped up in yourself to notice
So you choose to look the other way
Well, I've got something to say
Don't try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from trying, you've got to

[chorus]

Open your heart with the key
One is such a lonely number

Ah, ah, ah, ah
Open your heart, I'll make you love me
It's not that hard, if you just turn the key

Don't try to run I can keep up with you
Nothing can stop me from trying, you've got to

[chorus]

Open your heart with the key

Open your heart, I'll make you love me
It's not that hard, if you just turn the key
[repeat and fade]

Huynh

I wake up in your arms, I could feel the warmth of your body under the sheets.

Cool gloomy morning with a little drizzle. The sky wept. So did our hearts but we have to part.

I look into your eyes and wondered why did our paths crossed. Wasn't it supposed to be just plain touch and go fun? Why does it have to come to this ... again? Zero passion in my own backyard for 35 years, but it is just so easy to hit the jackpot elsewhere ... So here we are, in this charming city of Hanoi that you found me, and I you.

It is night again now, and my heart is still weeping, my dear Huynh.

If Wishes Came True

. . .

Status Quo

“So are you taken?” a friend asked me last week.

I’ve never really thought about it. Bert and I have never really discussed about it either.

I don’t know.

Pause.

Unofficially, I’d like to think that I’m taken. We adore each other and we’re really comfortable with each other. Though, officially, we’ve never labeled ourselves as boyfriends.

I elaborated but I realized my reply was somewhat inconclusive.

It’s been 9 weeks since I met Bert. And in the last 6 weeks after I left Singapore, I’ve only spent 4 full days with Bert, although we spoke over the phone quite regularly.

Right now, it’s 10pm Saturday night, and I’m home alone blogging. I have no plans on a Saturday night! It’s pathetic …. not because I’m all alone (I prefer the quiet sometimes), but in spite of being so-called “attached” (unofficially, that is), I’m still by myself most of the time. Nothing has changed. I’m still eating alone. I’m still watching TV alone. Driving alone. Sleeping alone. Sometimes talking to myself. I’m still attending gatherings and functions alone.

Is this what long distance relationship all about?

How Will I Know?

How do you know if someone is flirting with you? How will you know if someone is interested in you? For me, it is difficult to tell la, because people rarely take any notice or interest in me.



Recently, I spotted this hot guy, in the gym who turns out to be SL’s friend. I have fancied this
......

[Post exported]

Is he just being friendly? Is he flirting with me? How will I know?

How will I know if he's thinking of me
I'm asking you what you know about these things

Run to You

Over there, in the past 20 days, we've seen each other almost every other day.



Now over here...

At night, I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me

I need you here
I need you here to wipe away my tears

I wanna run to you

This Is Not The Time

I used to think I could be slutty, to "eat out" while seeing someone, but it turns out I'm a loyal person after all. After meeting Bert, I stopped thinking about dark and humid places. In fact, I had wanted to go again (since I have signed up for multiple passes when I first arrived - I signed up cos I thought I will be bored and needed an avenue for some kind of release), but somehow I felt a pang of guilt. In fact, I asked Bert if I could go, so as not to waste those unused passes! Damn, what a waste of money!

Time is running out, as I will be leaving very soon. Although this is the right time to believe in love, I have to be practical about it. In fact, I've been a little too practical since Day 1. As much as I want this to work, the unfortunate circumstances will work against it. I don't know what to do.

Although he didn't say it directly, already, Bert hinted here and there, and I presume he wanted more ... this to go on. Can it?

If only I could be less practical. Perhaps this is not the time for it.

This Is The Right Time

.


People automatically assume you're "too choosy" if you happen to be single after so many years. In my case, I've never been in any relationship even though I've lived to half my expected lifespan (this is so sad). I've had crushes, flings, chicken and duck relationship .... but nothing serious... nothing intense ... none lasted long enough to be certain that it was really love.

When I shared my frustrations, friends would reply "you have too high QC", "you're too choosy", "you don't make enough effort" etc etc... apparently it was always my fault. Yes, perhaps I didn't make enough effort but I'm generally rather shy and quiet person. But to say that I am "choosy" is absolutely incorrect. I object!!!

Frankly, no one has seriously pursued me for love before. I've never been loved (yes, this is so sad ... again). And over time, I begin to wonder if there was something really wrong with me... perhaps I'm unattractive, perhaps I have bad attitude, perhaps I smell .... why no one interest in me at all? When I look around, even people with horrible behaviour are happily in relationships. Even people who are ugly have beautiful partners. One man's meat is another man's poison.... so there should be some one for me too. I don't have to be a magnet, but I don't want to be a repellent either [I'll blog about my ability to repel people (at least that's what I think) another time la].

That's why I've somewhat given up believing. Trust me, at some point, you don't have any ego or confidence left at all if you keep scoring negatives. A little reassurance will be of great help, to believe in yourself, to believe in love, to believe you have what it takes for someone else to love you.

In the past ten days or so, Bert has given me that little assurance. We've seen each other almost every other day, and in my life I have never felt anything like that since I met him. He makes me feel comfortable. I feel love. This is the right time to believe in love.

(to be continued)

The Prostitute

Once upon a time, many many years ago, on starry April night, Mrs. Philippe and I went out ...

[Post Exported]

Web Personals

So, a close girl friend got married yesterday. I couldn't help but feel so happy for her that she's finally found her man and now they got married!

It was just a few years back when she was so worried and afraid that she would never get married. That was when she decided to sign up for an internet matchmaking service, and put up her personal profile.

I remembered she was so scared and ashamed that she had to resort to internet dating to get to know more male friends. But once she got comfortable with that, she got excited and was full of anticipation, but that eventually turned into frustration when her efforts yield no positive results. There were times she almost gave up hope of ever finding a suitable man... a boyfriend and hopefully a good husband.

And now, less than 3 years later, she's happily married to a great guy she met through the internet dating service.

I'm now inspired by her success story and I'm wondering if I should actively resume the hunt for my man in those gay personals, which I have largely abandoned so many years ago. Perhaps it's time to update my Fridae and Axcest profiles (and perhaps gaydar? any other personals websites?), put up new pics, be a bit more thick-skin and start messaging interesting guys online.

Perhaps in a couple of years time, I too will have a success story to tell and show.

Perhaps.

Alone But Not Lonely?

OK, Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and as usual, it will pass as just another insignificant day for me. Love has never come my way. I've never really been very proactive in looking for love anyways.

I've been wondering that in spite of being single, these past few years I've never actually felt lonely or sad. Sure, once in a while, I'd wish I have someone to have dinner with at home (I hate eating alone!), and occasionally gripe/blog/complain about being single, but majority of the time, I'm actually quite perfectly fine by myself. Or am I?

Long long time ago (ok, maybe not that long! - say 6 to 8 years back), I could easily feel the loneliness and I could feel the aching and yearning for love deep down in my heart. I used to meet up quite a few guys from online personals, but none yielded any anticipated results, although I do eventually become good friends with one or two of them.

But not anymore. I realised that I've stopped looking quite a few years back. They say that it will come when you stop looking, but it never came. My most recent effort was to sign up Facebook (blogged about this last year) which was highly recommmended to be the place to meet new people. For me, it's mostly become the place to be in touch with people I already know.

I see quite a few friends who could never seem to be comfortable being alone or single, even for a short time. After they get over the past one, they will make it their mission to find a new partner/lover as soon as possible, almost by-hook-or-by-crook kind of manner. As if being single is a crime, a sin. If only I could be just as aggressive.

But then again, I've never really look out for love. Is this normal? Am I being too comfortable by myself? Have I given up too soon? Will I grow old and one day wishing I had done more?

All That Matters

Love is supposed to be unconditional.
We should give our love, our care, our attention, our resources, our effort, without expecting anything in return.
So they say.

Love.
For our family … our soul mate … our friends.

Those little things to show that you loved and cared.
That you remembered.
That we matter.

Those little gifts, treats and favours in kind.
That offer to help out without any need for us to ask for one.
That simple phone-call just to say ‘hi-what’s up?’.
That caring gesture in times of need and sickness.
That shoulder to cry on.

Those words of encouragement.
That moral and emotional support.
That birthday wish.
That thank-you note.

Sometimes, it is never reciprocated.
Forgotten.
Are you that busy?
Is it that difficult to pick up the phone and make that call?
Or are you just too self-absorbed?

Or perhaps we didn't matter at all.

Love is supposed to be unconditional.
Or not?
We could never be so calculating, could we?

But, the truth is
It matters that we matter.

Else, we move on
To find that place where we matter.

Never Been Loved

If you are interested in someone, you should never mention that you have never been in a relationship before, Sindy advised.

Sook-Fun nodded, agreeing that it is a big no-no, and that she would never date anyone who has never been in a relationship before. I realized many people view this as undesirable.

Why? Because of lack of experience?

Perhaps people are afraid that if you’ve never been in any relationship before, if you’ve never been loved before, then there must something seriously wrong with you! They think that somewhere, somehow there is a potential problem ahead. So the easy way out is to stay clear and not find out?!

But on the other hand, perhaps undiscovered and untainted love is the purest form of love?

Perhaps the unloved individual has a warmer heart and even more love to give away than one who has had multiple failed relationships?

Is it such a liability to disclose our lack of past relationships?

Do you need a past relationship to make a new one?

Dear Mrs. JL

It seems that you were upset that we took photos with your dear husband. We overheard your conversation, and from the way JL spoke, it sounded like you were unhappy and like you demanded an explanation from him. And I'd guess that by now, you're also closely monitoring the numerous comments made by us about your husband and his photos in facebook. But you see, these aren't disparaging remarks about him. On the contrary, we're only adoring him and complimenting him on his hunkylicious looks and attractive built. Is that a crime?

Lady, that is no way to treat your delicious husband. He doesn't need anyone nagging or screaming at him. He doesn't need a wife who is possesive, who micromanages what he can do and what he can't do. On the other hand, he needs someone who can cook, who can drive and who can be independent to enhance his life, all of which you've failed to deliver.

Come on! You should be proud to have been married to JL, and bore his child. You've won the battle! In contrast, we only get to see him once a week, and dream about him the rest of the week. There is nothing we can do to jeopardise your position. Only you can make it fail. And if you do, you can be sure we'll pounce on him.