Scar

The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now...

How could I ever let this year pass by without remembering the 10th anniversary of the two very significant events in my life? As I was reorganizing my personal files in my drawer today, I came across an old folder where I had kept some of my most intimate and private letters and pieces of journal entries, where I have poured my heart out, documenting every little detail on the year that was: 1997. I have somewhat forgotten exactly how it had been... until today.

How could I forget?

Yes ..... July 2, 1997 ...... the day I finally liberated myself and first came out to Michael, at Light's Vision (or "The Park" as we fondly called it). There was no other way around it. It was such a relief, and Michael, the youngest of the brothers from Darwin, who was just going on 18 then, was as supportive as he could ever be. But I sensed it was somewhat a burden to him, for he knew something no one else did. Within the next two months, I came out to a few more friends. But the sense of relief was shortlived and I was back all gloomy again. I realized that no matter how selfish it was, for the sake of my sanity, I needed to liberate myself once again, and it was probably the most difficult thing I ever had to do in my adult life.

3 am, Sept 20, 1997 ..... Margaret Street ..... one night before Impressions. As I uttered the words "I like you Michael", I instantly turned away. Embarassed. Shy. Unable to bear the awkwardness of it all. Afraid of what will happen next. Michael stepped forward and looked at me and said "It's alright."

I probably freaked Michael out big time, and now in retrospect, he was probably the coolest dude I've ever known from the way he handled such situations.

Back then, there were lots of crying and I was a wreck. But over the years, my heart has turned hard and cold. I had never shed a tear or truly loved anyone since. And now, I realized I had possessed a somewhat distant soul.

My first love. The scar was deeper than I thought.